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Feeling anxious at times is a normal part of modern life, but that does not mean that you don’t have control over it. How long we feel anxious can be affected by how we react (or don’t react) to our anxious thoughts and feelings.

The first step to positively addressing your anxiety is to know when your thoughts are actually anxious. Too often we accept our thoughts as facts, when in reality our perception of things can be wrong or slightly skewed to fit our wants or our fears. When we are afraid of something it can affect the way we interpret our interactions with our environment- for example, being worried that we won’t have a good time at a social function can make us react poorly before and during that social function. We may drag our feet getting ready and end up arriving late. It can affect our body language, our facial expressions, our actions, or our responses to people, etc. Then we can interpret other people as not liking us or wanting us to be there when in reality, the other people around us may just be reacting to how our body language, facial expressions, actions, and responses are telling them that WE don’t want to be there. Too often we accept our thoughts as facts when they are not.

You can read more about how our thoughts can commonly be wrong here:

So how can you tell when a thought is anxious? Well if anxious thoughts are pretty common to you, then you’re probably already a pro at this and you can skip this step. If they’re not as common, then you can focus on these key points:

• An anxious thought is a worry about a possible future threat- that threat can be a physical threat or merely a fear of something emotionally uncomfortable happening like being embarrassed, unprepared, busy, etc.

• Anxious thoughts can be normal and helpful if they cue us to address concerns in a healthy way-like worrying about being late prompts us to get ready earlier

• Anxious thoughts are problematic when they are out of proportion to the actual possible threat- like being afraid of not being comfortable with changes so you avoid trying anything new or you have a strong and unrealistic reaction when changes do occur

• Even “helpful” or accurate anxious thoughts can become a problem when they occur excessively and we find it difficult to stop them- this may look like having to repeatedly check things are done or that others are okay

When you notice your thoughts may be anxious, then you need to CALL THEM OUT! This may seem silly, but labeling your thoughts as anxious helps you detach yourself from them a little. It becomes easier to question and challenge them. You can tell yourself “those are anxious thoughts- anxious thoughts can lie- just because I think it doesn’t mean it is true- how realistic is this worry?”

With kids I often have them draw an Anxiety Creature. This creature doesn’t need to be scary, but can be something that they feel comfortable imagining and addressing in their mind when they talk back to their anxious thoughts.

This exercise isn’t only for kids though! Imagining a way to separate your anxious thoughts from your current reality can help you address those thoughts more rationally. Many people already have a dialogue with themselves throughout the day- consciously or not. This is just one strategy to address some of the defeating ways we may be talking to ourselves. When we can identify a thought as an anxious one then we can challenge not only the thought, but also the way it impacts how we feel and what we choose to do in that moment. Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are all connected and impact each other. When we want to change one of those three areas (thoughts, feelings, behaviors) it can be helpful to pick the area we feel the most in control of first and let it trickle down to the others.

You can read more about this in this blog:

So first, write down or name what your Anxiety Creature is saying to you.

• Everyone is going to be watching and judging me

• I’m going to fail

• If I go to ____ something bad will happen

Next write down or ask yourself how realistic each of these thoughts are. Give it a percentage if you can, such as- There is a 20% chance that I’ll fail this test.

Then challenge your Anxiety Creature-

• Is everyone really watching you? How many people did you watch and judge earlier that day so far? Is it more likely that most people are focused on themselves or what they are doing?

• When is the last time that you failed at something without being able to work out a mistake? What makes you think you would fail now and what can you do to address those reasons, if there are any? How likely is it that you won’t be able to address any mistakes you may make this time? If you did make a mistake, what would be the worst that would happen.

• How many times have you been able to do something new without something bad happening? What evidence do you have that something will go wrong this time? What can you do if something did go wrong?

The key here is that instead of asking yourself what if your worry came true and then another worry happened and another- you can break that cycle by instead asking yourself 1) how realistic is your worry 2) If it isn’t realistic then use coping strategies to calm yourself and redirect your thoughts. If it is realistic, then problem-solve strategies to reduce that risk or manage its impact.

If your anxious thoughts are unrealistic or are general feelings that you can not make a plan for such as “no one likes me”, then you can write down positive memories or information about yourself that contradicts that anxious thought.

So for example:

No one likes me:

• I have a good group of friends and just because they are busy at the moment does not mean that they don’t like me

• My parents and relatives tell me how much they love me

• Usually when I’m NOT feeling upset I know that I like myself and others do too

The third example is a great reason to write yourself reminders to read when you are feeling anxious or sad. These reminders can be positive affirmations and examples of your positive qualities that you recognize in yourself. Have a list or letter format that you can easily access and add to. You can read this to yourself regularly, not just when you’re feeling upset!

Finally, remember that these strategies to address anxious thoughts are part of building new habits. They are not quick fixes that will stop ALL anxiety in its tracks. You have to remember that you likely have years of habits that you’ve already built with how you manage your anxious thoughts. Those may even be unhelpful habits like avoiding it, ignoring it, negative self talk, or taking it out on others. It is going to take time to rework those habits- it’s not an overnight fix! Starting these strategies can lead you to the ability to better manage your anxiety and its impacts on you in the future though!

Citations:

• Eagleson C, Hayes S, Mathews A, Perman G, Hirsch CR. The power of positive thinking: Pathological worry is reduced by thought replacement in Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Behav Res Ther. 2016 Mar;78:13-8. doi: 10.1016/j.brat.2015.12.017. Epub 2016 Jan 8. PMID: 26802793; PMCID: PMC4760272.

• Ströhle A, Gensichen J, Domschke K. The Diagnosis and Treatment of Anxiety Disorders. Dtsch Arztebl Int. 2018 Sep 14;155(37):611-620. doi: 10.3238/arztebl.2018.0611. PMID: 30282583; PMCID: PMC6206399.