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It can seem at times that we have no control over our thoughts, as they seem to ‘pop in’ out of nowhere. They can be positive, negative, neutral, silly, or even alarming. We can feel frustrated or even helpless against them at times. Our thoughts, though, are conditioned by our previous patterns of behavior and thoughts. Even though you can’t fully control what pops in your mind, you can impact their frequency and how long they stay by choosing what to focus on more consistently and therefore conditioning your mind to focus on those types of thoughts in the future. This is not a simple one-step task of course. Like any new skill, it takes trial and error, patience, and consistent practice. It’s not just merely acknowledging that you want to change the way you look at a situation, it’s building that concept in through consistent practice so that you CAN ACTUALLY change the way your brain looks at future situations.

Positive affirmations, or positive self talk, are positive thoughts or phrases that we repeat to ourselves. They can be part of our internal dialogue or a phrase that we intentionally tell ourselves repeatedly. They are known to have a powerful impact on our mental health, with their ability to counteract negative thought biases or distortions that we may typically default to. But how you use them and why you are using them can have a big impact on how effective they are. There are also different types of positive affirmations and they can be useful in different situations.

Positive affirmations have been considered clinically effective at helping individuals decrease their stress response by reducing cortisol levels and increasing their motivation, self-confidence, and positive habits. Consistent use of positive affirmations have been shown to improve functioning in the prefrontal cortex, where the decision making and reward centers of the brain are located. Some forms of positive thinking can be more beneficial than others, though. Positive thinking alone is not a one-stop solution for serious mental health needs, but daily use of it can definitely help build a better foundation for addressing our mental health effectively.

Before continuing, I want to address the difference between positive thinking and toxic positivity. Positive thinking is not about discounting the actual struggles and difficulties you are currently enduring by just “looking at the bright side”. Ignoring your own feelings and perceptions is not a healthy response to stress. You can’t just beat clinical anxiety or depression by “looking at the bright side of things”. Positive thinking is acknowledging your strengths and your ability to find resources to help yourself during those times and to accomplish your goals, however small or big, short or long-term, that you are setting for yourself.

for more on toxic positivity you can link to my video here:

Our brains can often be primed to notice the negatives in our lives first, in an attempt to protect ourselves from them. Using daily positive affirmations can stimulate neuroplasticity (ability of our brain to alter itself structurally in response to experiences) and allow our brains to rewire its focus towards thinking more positively about our experiences as a whole and tackling our problems in more of a growth mindset (the idea that our basic skills and abilities can be developed through practice).

Steps for General Positive Affirmations

1) build positivity into multiple areas of your life at the same time that you begin affirmations. This can look like combining them with daily gratitudes, creative outlets, or increased physical self care, like daily walks. This is because the types of thoughts that we repeat the most can become our brain’s priority. Again, this is not meant to discount your mental health or emotional needs by focusing only on positive things. Acknowledging and addressing those needs is also a positive act for yourself.

2) make sure they are realistic to you- if you have severe body image concerns and you begin to just tell yourself that you love your body, then there is a risk that you can feel even more disconnected from yourself. You need to set affirmations that build upon ways you already relate to yourself. In my body image example, a positive affirmation should look more like affirming your ability to seek professional help for the way you negatively view yourself and applauding your strengths for wanting to have a healthier relationship with yourself. From there you can progressively build in more positive affirmations and behaviors for your relationship with yourself.

3) embrace the awkwardness- if you are choosing an affirmation that is more relatable to you it can still feel awkward to hear yourself saying it or reminding yourself of it. Embrace that awkwardness, just like you would need to embrace the discomfort that anxiety can bring to a new situation. By sitting in that awkwardness for longer periods of time (start small first) you can begin to tolerate it. That might look like writing it down at first and then working towards saying it out loud daily.

4) behave in ways that mirror your affirmations. Just saying it is not enough. We can’t just will changes into existence, we need to act upon them. Keep reading to learn what types of self talk can be best for this step

5) practice is key- build these affirmations into a daily practice. You can repeat the same one for awhile or you can use variations with the same goal in mind. Stating your affirmation out loud can be more impactful too. There are also a variety of apps that can give you daily reminders to practice or that allow you to hear a prerecorded version of yourself stating your affirmation.

Type of Effective Affirmations/Self Talk

Affirmations are more effective when you acknowledge the steps or the difficulties to accomplishing them. A blanket, “I can do anything I set my mind to” is not as effective as “this test is going to be hard, but I have studied and I have the ability and knowledge to tackle it”.

Growth mindset self talk acknowledges the effort and practice you are putting in to accomplishing your goals. Growth mindset is generally seen as the use of ‘YET’. If you’re a gymnast that can’t complete a certain stunt, say a tuck, the growth mindset approach is that you can’t complete that stunt YET. Your growth mindset affirmation is “I will be able to land my tuck. I will keep practicing until I can land it.” This may seem really simple to do, but often at times of stress and frustration we lean into the thoughts of “I’m never going to get this. Why do I even bother”. So practicing these growth mindset responses in the majority of your daily interactions allows you to then use them at times of stress and frustration, when you may be more likely to default to those negative thought patterns.

Reflective self talk looks back at your strengths and successes before a hard task, like a test, work presentation, or difficult conversation. You would remind yourself of your past successes or improvements in the days or moments leading up to the hard task. This form of affirmation can increase your performance and problem-solving abilities. It can easily be paired with other forms as well.

Future-oriented self talk involves you visualizing yourself successfully completing a goal as you talk yourself through your ability to accomplish it. These can be even more successful when you acknowledge the hurdles or steps you may need to complete in order to succeed. For example, instead of just picturing yourself successfully finishing a project, also picture yourself being able to handle the possible difficulties of that project. Imagine what you would do in a work presentation if your equipment doesn’t work and imagine your solution being successful.

Interrogative self talk is when you ask yourself questions to honestly assess your goals.

“Can I do this in time?”, “What am I going to need to do this?”, “How should I start this?”

Instead of the reactive, “I can’t do this”, you are breaking down what you would need to accomplish the task and how to best go about starting it. This is demonstrating a belief in yourself as well as building your internal problem-solving dialogue. This can be an extremely effective form of self talk because it promotes action, instead of just thoughts.

Distancing self talk is when we allow our internal dialogue to take a step back and talk to ourselves in the third person or as ‘you’. It can be effective because we aren’t personalizing the question or directions and we are allowing ourselves to talk to ourselves in the way we may talk to a loved one or friend. We are allowing ourselves to be more compassionate than our internal dialogue may have typically been.

Building These Skills With Kids

One of the most effective ways to help kids build these skills is by modeling it for them. Engage in conversations about how you use positive self talk and motivation. Teaching them about growth mindset vs. fixed mindset can be a great start for them to begin practicing it on their own as well. Have regular check-ins about their stressful thoughts and plan ways they can positively self talk. You want them to get used to their own voices, as well as yours, giving themselves encouragement.