When we experience trauma our mind can build psychological “armor” to protect ourselves emotionally during our times of need, but wearing that armor for too long can weigh us down and keep us stuck or numb. Could you be wearing your armor too long or what might that even look like? This blog is about the ways we cope with trauma, emotional abuse, and chronic stress and some strategies to regain control if your current coping methods are working against you.

When faced with stress or pain in life, the way we cope with it serves our needs in that moment. Whether that coping strategy would be considered healthy or not (smoking, drug abuse, drinking, isolation, etc) it is providing some sort of relief to us in that moment, otherwise we would not pick it. Sometimes that relief can be a mere temporary escape or numbness, but it seemed like some form of safety that was needed in the moment. The problem is that sometimes the choices that help us in the moment can hurt us in the long run. Choosing maladaptive (unhealthy) coping strategies can ultimately prolong our distress or cause new forms of stress. You don’t have to be experiencing current nightmares or flashbacks for your trauma to still be impacting your behaviors, thoughts, and reactions.

Now some maladaptive strategies are easier to spot than others. You may be quick to notice how drug use would be a vice and not necessarily good for long term needs, but what about some of the less often considered maladaptive coping strategies. Here are a few common maladaptive ways people shield themselves during times of trauma that can end up negatively impacting them when they’ve eventually been able to find future safety and stability. Notice if any of these habits are familiar to you.

“I don’t need anyone’s help, I’m better on my own”

There is often a very clear need for this type of mindset when someone is in an environment where those around them continually disappoint or hurt them physically, mentally, or emotionally. Some individuals may not be able to seek out help from others or are rejected when they do seek help. Developing this sort of mentality can then help individuals reduce their dependence on someone harmful to them by building emotional resiliency and increasing their confidence in their own skills. This can be especially true for children that may be forced to rely on the individuals that harm them or who may have not been successful in getting help from others. This way of thinking becomes harmful, though, when individuals finally find themselves in a space of emotional and physical safety and still do not allow themselves to request or accept genuine assistance from others.

The thought patterns begin to shift from “I can’t trust them” to “I don’t need anyone”. As human beings, though, we all need a sense of community and emotional support. If we choose to reject support from those that are genuine in their offer, we continue to build our mental, emotional, and physical stress loads because we have turned a trauma response into what we falsely perceive as a strength or sense of identity, even as it burns us out from within.

A great privilege in our older years can be the comfort in choosing who we wish to surround ourselves with and letting go of the false notion that we owe our time to those that mistreat us out of a sense of duty or history. This can be a very difficult stage of life for many to allow themselves to enter though, especially those that have faced trauma. Allowing yourself to seek out people that emotionally and mentally support you can challenge that maladaptive response that you must do it all on your own. It may make you feel vulnerable or weak at first, but often the most important growth comes from awkward beginnings.

“If I’m not perfect I’ll be rejected/forgotten/abandoned”

People-pleasing and perfectionism are common trauma responses. They can be both a desire to be seen as well as a desire to blend in and not stand out, depending on a situation. It can ultimately be a desire to avoid conflict and have some sense of control over the “out-of-control” reactions of those around them. This can be seen by always anticipating the reactions of others and attempting to be pleasing to others at all times. It is also rooted in a fear of rejection, that any human misstep may lead to abandonment or a form of punishment by the people in their life.

Whether perfectionism was demanded by a caregiver/partner or was a learned response to their environment, those constant feelings of pressure can increase one’s risks of future anxiety and depression. It can lead to health issues and cognitive issues. Many individuals can find themselves overwhelmed and engaging in procrastination. When we continually set high or unrealistic standards for ourselves there are negative impacts when we feel we don’t reach them. Also, if we do reach them, there is likely little or brief enjoyment from them before we set new standards to reach or we may even begin to focus on areas we feel ashamed of instead. Perfectionists rarely allow themselves a sense of satisfaction or the feeling of being safe and content and this can affect their physical and mental health as well as the quality of their life and relationships. It can manifest in symptoms like hypervigilance, panic attacks, anger, aggression, avoidance, OCD, a need for control, and deep insecurity.

“It’s not that bad, I could have (had) it worse”

Minimizing our experiences or their impact on us can be a common coping response to get us through the worst of an experience so we’re not as overwhelmed by the reality of it. We “pretend” or trick ourselves into thinking that it is not as bad as it was. Sometimes the shock of an experience or the abuser’s lack of care or lack of a reaction can leave us questioning the gravity of our experiences. Often, these may be the stories that we tell others later in life that shock those we tell, even as we recall not feeling that impacted by it.

Similarly, comparing our experiences to others that we subjectively assume or feel were “worse”, is another attempt to minimize the severity of our experiences or our reactions to those experiences. It is a form of ‘pushing our feelings down’ because we may not be ready or willing to address them.

There is not one type of abuse that should take priority over another in terms of how much we should care about the impact it can have on us, yet often our society minimizes or misunderstands emotional abuse. In truth, research has shown that emotional and psychological abuse can be the most damaging form of abuse to our brain development. Emotional abuse is often hidden and pervasive. It not only impacts us in the moment, but it can also shape how we view ourselves and how we interact with the world around us in the future. The impacts of emotional abuse can last well into our lives if it is not addressed.

No one else will understand me other than another “hurting” person

Many traumatized individuals can find a sense of comfort in surrounding themselves with other individuals that may be struggling like them or worse than them. There can be a sense of normalcy to it, even if it is a dysfunctional or toxic relationship/friendship. There can also be a desire to reject or avoid healthy relationships because they feel unpredictable or unknown. In fact, healthy relationships can even trigger the fight-or-flight response sometimes in individuals with chronic PTSD. We may surround ourselves with similar dynamics because they feel familiar, not because they are good for us. Previous emotional abuse can also lead us to feel undeserving of healthy relationships or incapable of maintaining them.

The negative impacts of this can be increased when an individual is overly empathetic. This means individuals who may often mirror or take on the emotional needs of others, which can then reduce their own ability to regulate their stress hormones. Often these individuals have difficulty setting and enforcing boundaries for themselves and continually prioritize other’s needs over their own, often to the detriment of their mental and physical health.

Learn more about boundary setting and unhealthy relationships below and why it can be so difficult to break trauma cycles.

“Everyone else’s happiness is fake anyway”

Anger often feels like a safer emotion than our feelings of sadness, loss, fear, or insecurity. There is a protective quality to rejecting the happiness seen in others when we felt denied that opportunity in some way ourselves. While every relationship and family has degrees of conflict, labeling other’s happiness as “fake” can emotionally protect us from acknowledging a lack of happiness in our current experiences. This sort of response ultimately leads to increased feelings of unhappiness, though, as we allow our thoughts to focus on a negative view of the world around us instead of actively addressing the missing needs in our own lives.

Now it is important to note that assuming what we see on social media or even in public settings is not necessarily an accurate representation of someone’s private life. The ultimate issue here is the tendency to compare ourselves to others. Whether it is through anger and rejection or through feelings of inadequacy and shame, comparing ourselves to others is likely going to lead to an inaccurate and unhelpful view of ourselves. When we feel a strong reaction to the experiences of others, we should take a step back and address why we have that reaction and what our body is trying to tell us that we need. Gut reactions can be clues to underlying issues that we still need to address.

“If I let myself feel anything or think about it, I’ll be overwhelmed”

A common trauma response can be to compartmentalized our feelings and experiences, to try to lock them away in our mind or keep them separated from our other experiences. It can be a critical safety response during traumatic events sometimes. It can give an individual a sense of control and temporary safety or numbness. When it becomes a habit, though, it can lead to difficulties regulating emotions, experiencing emotions (including positive ones), and dissociating. When we avoid feeling negative emotions or we attempt to numb ourselves from them, we can increase our anxiety about feeling them in the future. This can start a cycle of avoidance or numbing that eventually impacts our ability to feel positive emotions as well. We may choose to sit in the feelings of anger or apathy.

The issue is that our feelings are not actually gone, but they can become out of our control. Individuals may seem to fly into fits of rage or panic at small issues and seem to freeze or fail to react to larger ones. It can impact sleep, eating, relationships, health, mental health, and our quality of life. Your feelings and memories are still there, but by trying to deny them you just reduce your control over them.

Trauma-focused therapy can be highly effective in assisting individuals in processing their traumatic experiences as well as identifying their trauma responses. It is important to work with a therapist or provider with trauma training. For those that find the idea of discussing their trauma extremely difficult, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) is a form of therapy with less discussion than traditional trauma therapy. Find out more about it here:

Parents

Nightmares and night terrors are two different ways stress and trauma can impact children. Find more information on each here:

Find more information on assisting children with processing their stress, addressing anxieties, and reducing trauma responses in my various parental blogs here.