My 3 Favorite Tools for Helping With Meltdowns
*this article includes amazon associated links as well as links to free resources and printables
Our children are never too young for us (as the adults) to begin working on the awareness of how our emotions and our actions are connected. When we begin these tools with younger children, say 3 years old, the actions of practicing them are both for ourselves to remain calm and for us to model the strategies and help build our children’s recognition of them so that they can then continue to develop them as they get older. The use of these techniques with young children is not to teach them mastery of these strategies, but more so to introduce the tools to our kids- and many times to ourselves. So whether your child is 3, 7, 11, or 17 these techniques can be learned to build healthier habits for reacting to (and the prevention of) emotional overwhelm. The strategies I will be discussing are not a one-size fits all though and modifications are needed for different developmental stages and mental health needs.
First lets talk about what is going on in our body when we’re overwhelmed. Personally, I’ve always benefited from having a visual image in my mind about what the body may be doing in the moment of a stressful situation to help my own thoughts reduce the panic or frustration I’m feeling. This is not something I’d expect a child to be able to do, but as the adult, if my understanding of a situation can help me from overreacting to it (think frustration or panic that others are watching, etc) it can help me help my child (or teach my client) in the moment where they are biochemically or physically. So lets talk about the fight-or-flight response.
The fight-or-flight response is an automatic physiological response to a perceived threat or stressor. It can be brief or it can last longer based on the situation and our thoughts and behaviors that reinforce it. When it is started, our brain can release neurochemicals to our extremities (arms and legs) to assist us in fighting off or fleeing from a threat. We can also react in a freeze state where we feel immobilized in our arms and legs. These physiological responses can leave us feeling tingly or tight in our limbs, which I describe to kids as the angry or anxious energy under their skin. It is a source of the tendency to want to kick, hit, throw things, or find some release of that energy. Our brain can also simultaneously increase our heart rate, dilate our pupils, increase our breathing so it is faster and more shallow, shut down our digestive system (can lead to stomach aches, nausea, diarrhea, etc.), release adrenaline in our brain, and intensify our emotions to help us respond more quickly. All of these things are done to prioritize survival by diverting energy to the areas of our brain and body that increase our odds of surviving that threat. But in todays world, that response can often be triggered by threats that are in our thoughts (worries/frustrations) instead of in current action. With children, their common threats can be jealousy, frustration, boredom, a broken toy, a scraped knee, etc. that triggers their stress response.
Picturing what is happening within your body, as an adult, can help you reason why you feel so different at that moment and talk back to your fears that something is wrong within you as you acknowledge the natural response that is actually occurring. Children are not going to easily do that- adults struggle to easily do that- so our role is to teach them to calm that physiological reaction in the moment and build understanding of it later, when they are already calm. This brings me to a very important part of assisting a child that is in fight or flight- reduce how much you’re talking. They are likely going to respond better to what they are seeing you do and feeling than hearing your explanations. Definitely talk through the event later, but in this moment keep your responses short and calm. This is true whether they are angry, sad, or scared. The techniques that I will be detailing in a moment (breathing, PMR, body grounding) could also be modeled at this time. Get their fight-or-flight response to stop, help them manage the residual impact of that physiological and neurochemical response, and allow them time being calm before talking through the event.
This includes behaviors that are negative or crossing boundaries that you are enforcing- give your redirection in short and clear responses- too lengthy of a verbal response can just increase the length of their fight-or-flight response. The 1, 2, 3 Method for behavioral management is a great model for this type of response.
A very simplified description of the 1, 2, 3 Method is that you will discuss with your child (when they are calm) a behavior that isn’t acceptable (such as hitting their sibling) and the way you will begin to address that behavior in the future- first by alerting them that they are doing the behavior and naming the natural consequence that will occur if you get to the count of 3. Then if they continue, you count to 1 and give them a chance to try to calm themselves down- you can model the strategies I will discuss or identify natural positive reinforcements, but if you have to continue counting to 3 then you will enforce the discussed consequence. The important part of this is that you don’t name a consequence you aren’t willing to enforce and that your consequence doesn’t model the behavior you are trying to teach them to stop. For example, if your child is hitting their cousin and you say that you’re going to have to leave if they don’t stop hitting and by the time you get to 3 you don’t actually want to leave, then the strategy is not beneficial. Likewise, if you use spanking to correct hitting then the strategy is not beneficial- you’re actually reinforcing the action (hitting to release frustration or to get a behavior you want). The book describes in more detail alternative natural consequences, positive reinforcements, when and how often to use the method, and how to build these strategies in. It of course is not magic though and takes consistency. It is a great tool to learn how to help yourself stay calm and focused during meltdowns and see long term changes in negative behaviors.
For a child to be able to calm their bodies down when the stress response is activated though, we need to teach them strategies too, otherwise their body’s natural response can often be yelling, screaming, throwing, hitting, etc., because of that internal flood of neurochemicals and inborn instincts. So here are my three favorite and clinically effective strategies to teach children that are also clinically effective for the adult modeling them. When all parties involved are able to remain calm, the outcome is always better.
Strategy 1- DEEP BREATHING
I have previous blogs and youtube videos (below) that will describe this in more detail, including showing a variety of ways to practice it, but lets briefly cover it. Deep Breathing has been scientifically proven to positively impact your brain, heart, digestive system, immune system, and is being studied for its impact on the expression of genes.
The reason I want to discuss deep breathing first is because it can be used with young children. They will not be able to fully execute it but when you are sitting at their level with them and showing them visually how to take each breath- in through the nose, hold, out through your mouth- and the timed pacing, they can begin to model it with their body unconsciously. You begin to calm their stress response. During fight-or-flight our breathing is altered and engaging in deep breathing is similar to overexaggerating a correction to that change in our breathing until we are able to maintain our normal breathing pace again. If your child is too upset to be able to watch you model this technique while they are crying, then holding them against your chest as you breathe deeply can set a pace that they match as they feel your steady heartbeat, the rise and fall of your chest, and the sound of your exhale. Holding onto you can be very grounding and comforting for them as well.
If they are angry and begin hitting- gently redirect their hands away, briefly voice that the action is unacceptable (perhaps paired with the 1, 2, 3 strategy), and model yourself remaining calm as you continue deep breathing at a distance that is best. Offer them to come to you if they are able to refrain from hitting. This approach is often modified by therapists based on the age or developmental level of the child and level of aggression they are displaying. Also note these approaches are about building skills, they often do not begin smoothly and kids often engage in a clinical term called extinction- where the negative behavior can increase once it’s being addressed by the parent before it is finally ended. So that means when you set a new rule or boundary and begin to reinforce it consistently, the acting out can intensify before the boundary is eventually accepted. This is very common but the longer history you have of being consistent with them, the shorter it can last.
An important part to any of these techniques are that they are practiced consistently when the child is calm for them to be effectively utilized when they are upset.
One way that many kids enjoy practicing deep breathing on their own is through hand breathing. It combines deep breathing with a tactile sensation as you guide your pointer finger on one hand up and down the outside of your fingers on your other hand to pace you through 5 deep breaths. It can also have a grounding effect, which I will discuss further in my next strategy.
The Zen Den on the Cosmic Kids youtube page has free videos demonstrating deep breathing, yoga, mindfulness, meditation, and my next strategy- grounding.
Strategy 2- GROUNDING
The term grounding (or earthing) in mental health means strategies to help us detach from emotional pain by drawing our awareness back to the present moment and our body, often through giving our brains a task to complete. Studies have shown that grounding can reduce pain and inflammation in our body. It can help us in stopping our stress response by shifting focus from negative thoughts that could have been fueling our stress. This technique will involve a little more talking on the parents part during a meltdown until the child has effectively learned how begin grounding themselves off of a cue word from their parent. I often use this as an immediate intervention with children who are beginning to panic. Their thoughts can often be spiraling, so grounding gives them something neutral to focus on. It can take a combination of 3 or so types of grounding techniques before I visibly see their bodies relax. Then we can switch to or add in deep breathing and other strategies.
My favorite grounding techniques are often mental ones because they don’t require us to move or have anything other than our mind with us. My favorite mental grounding strategy to begin with is 5, 4, 3, 2, 1- where you can have your child name out loud 5 different things they see around them right now, 4 things they can feel touching their body, ie- hair on their face, socks on their feet, floor underneath them, etc. Each step progressively pulls them out of their negative thoughts. 5 things they see makes them refocus their perspective to the room around them, 4 things they feel places the focus back on their body in the present moment, 3 things they hear means they will have to tune their focus if the area is very quiet to name 3 sounds or if it is noisy they have to focus on what each sound belongs to. Smells and tastes may not always be present, but the prior 3 steps have already begun the grounding process. Then we may move to another grounding technique, such as naming 5 of your favorite tv or book characters, 5 things that are a certain color in the room around you, 5 good things about yourself (if this won’t cause distress), 5 Pokemon characters, etc. Stack these and incorporate humor if you can to shut off the fight-or-flight response and assist in redirecting the child’s thoughts to something neutral or more positive. Grounding strategies are often a nighttime ‘go-to’ I discuss for trouble with bedtime anxiety or waking after nightmares. They can be good to practice in the waiting room for the doctor or dentist and prior to taking tests or quizzes at school.
I like those grounding techniques because they can be done exactly where you are at, but there are also physical grounding techniques that are very effective and can be useful when our children are less verbal. Some of these strategies for grounding can include running your wrist under cool water, dancing to music, doing something tactile with your hands or feet that involves different textures or temperatures to draw your attention to the physical sensations occurring in your body in the moment. Taking off your shoes outside and digging your hands or feet into the earth (adults-gardening) or laying down on the floor and noticing the change in temperature below you as well as all the points of contact along your body and the new visual perspective of the room can also ground you. The main concept of physical grounding techniques is again to pull you from negative thoughts or emotions and redirect you back to your own body in the present moment so you can regain control of your reactions and then process those feelings.
Strategy 3- PROGRESSIVE MUSCLE RELAXATION (PMR)
Progressive Muscle Relaxation, or PMR, is the systematic flexing and relaxing of each of your major muscle groups, one at a time from your head to your toes or vice-versa. Research has shown it to be clinically effective in addressing anxiety, stress, high blood pressure, migraines, and trouble sleeping.
PMR is great for breaking down the left over neurochemicals in our limbs after the fight-or-flight response as well as for calming the desire of our muscles to tense and remain tight when we are anxious or frustrated. With consistent practice we are training our muscles to release the tension they are holding when we aren’t focusing on them. This is a great body break when kids are frustrated with homework or a toy, especially if paired with deep breathing. Many children and adults also use this strategy at bedtime to help prime their bodies for sleep. When you consistently practice this at night your body begins to physiologically prepare for sleep the moment you begin, or even earlier if you use it as part of an established bedtime routine.
Bringing humor and connection into practicing any of these techniques can strengthen their effectiveness and your child’s willingness to engage in them when they’re upset. Remember to verbally praise and reinforce any attempt at using these strategies or other positive strategies when your child is upset. The attempt is the behavior you want to reinforce, not how well it was done. How well a strategy is executed can be further developed in the future when a child is calm and feels internally safe. Instead, when they are upset you want to be praising any attempts to regulate, because it is a life-long skill to be built.
Also note that starting these strategies with older children may actually feel more difficult than with younger children. Yes they have a better capacity to learn the skill, but they also have habits that they’ve already learned in the years prior when they’ve dealt with big emotions. These reactions are often quickly reverted back to when they’re upset, so it takes time and practice to truly shift them. Also our expectations of older children may be unreasonable at first because of this. If we are expecting them to be able to use these strategies effectively a lot faster then we are likely modeling controlling our own frustration in our responses, then we may be expecting too much too soon. So give yourself and your child some extra grace. It is easy to get overwhelmed and that is a major point to these strategies. They are there to take the arguing, rationalizing, scolding, or directing out of your parenting response in the moment. Instead, just focus on assisting your child to calm their body and in turn, turn off their fight-or-flight response. Then you can address what triggered them.
Personally, when I would start these strategies with my own children when they were young, as I would sit and model deep breathing, if I was feeling increasingly frustrated I would try to keep myself calmer by naming their possible triggers in my head to build more empathy for the situation. I would think are they also hungry, tired, teething, coming off an extended school weekend, had sugar or something highly processed recently, getting sick, going through a growth spurt, had a lot of screentime, etc. But doing this process in my head instead of asking them a lot of questions allowed the focus to continue to be on their body and needs as I came up with solutions for after they’ve physically began to calm. Then I could offer grabbing a healthy snack or getting a cup of water or bringing in a distraction. They had a chance to practice and learn the skill before I tried to ‘fix it’ for them.
Finally, find yourself supports- a team of family, teachers, friends, therapists if needed, as you build a network of support for your child. Do they have underlying factors like anxiety, ADHD, learning disabilities, medical conditions, etc, that need to be addressed too? Also find supports for yourself- friends, family, therapists. You are not magically suppose to be able to stay completely calm and collected during everyone else’s stressors too, it takes these techniques and maybe more to address all the stress on your shoulders as a parent, adult, and all the other hats you wear. These tools, though, that you attain and reinforce when they are younger can have significant impacts on their resiliency throughout their life that they can in turn show others in their lives as they get older. It can also be an incredible benefit to your own stress management and happiness. Make this resiliency the family trait that you pass to the next generation.
