living with a narcissist — Therapy-Thoughts

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The term narcissist can sometimes be a buzz word- misused or misunderstood, but for those that date, live with, work with, are friends with, or are related to a possible narcissist, the experience can have long term impacts on their physical and mental health. Manipulative behaviors like gaslighting can cause individuals to doubt or downplay their experiences with narcissists. My message has always been that the more we educate ourselves and build our awareness, the more ability we have to manage negative impacts on us. That includes our ability to spot and then eventually address the impact a narcissist may have in our lives. This blog is going to be a part of a series on narcissism- including how to spot it in relationships, how to address it or set boundaries for it, the impact of it in the family unit (specifically the children of a narcissistic parent), and how to manage co-parenting with a narcissist. This first blog is going to be about the types of narcissists and their common behaviors.

Lets discuss Narcissism and the types of narcissists. Narcissists fall under the B Cluster of Personality Disorders. It is considered to be a spectrum disorder, meaning that it exists on a continuum. So imagine mental health at one end and mental illness at the other end of a spectrum. Where someone falls in the degree of their manifestation of what is considered narcissistic personality disorder can differ with another individual with narcissistic personality disorder. Smaller amounts of narcissism or high confidence can be seen as a positive personality trait, motivating individuals to excel within their fields, careers, sports, etc. because of their belief that they are capable and deserving of success. When traits begin to show a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in their actions or their mind), need for admiration, and lack of empathy” is when it can begin to be seen as pathological narcissism. Many narcissists will not seek treatment though or often only do when being treated for another mental illness (substance abuse, anxiety, mood disorders, eating disorders, etc.) or to pacify a partner, which is often very brief and inconsistent.

There is generally considered to be 2-3 main types of narcissists with their own subcategories. Narcissists can also fluctuate between these types, especially given their current level of stress or end goals. This is also why there is a call for more refined diagnostic criteria.

The first type is the Overt Type, also known as the grandiose or exhibitionist type, which is what we may classically think of as a narcissist. They are the most common and can be quite difficult because they are unapologetic, in your personal space, and can’t ‘adjust to the room’. They are attention-seeking and see themselves as more important or valuable than others, often demanding of special treatment. They thrive on the admiration and praise of others and can be easily offended if they don’t feel they receive the correct amount or type. This may even include the birthdays, funerals, weddings of other people that pulls attention away from them. They will use or exploit others to meet their needs. They will often exaggerate themselves or engage in behaviors to promote themselves and then consistently remind others of their accomplishments or their materialism to elicit envy or praise. They can be very judgmental as well as very charismatic. Subtypes can include antagonistic, communal, and seductive types as seen below. Note the communal type can also occasionally fall into the covert type of narcissism, which I’ll describe next. The communal type may engage in grand gestures to showcase compassion or empathy for others, but their end goals align with increasing their own social standing, praise, or social power.

The next type is the Covert Narcissist. They may be more subtle and their behaviors unnoticed except by those who have consistent contact with them or are victimized by them. It can be harder for victims to feel validation or recognition from others when dealing with a covert narcissist. Covert narcissists are often called the closet narcissist, as their behaviors are planned and calculated. They can use manipulation tactics like gaslighting or guilt trips in private with their victims while behaving the opposite in front of others. This serves the purpose of hiding their harmful behaviors (and reducing the victim’s credibility) while also manipulating a victim into enjoying the reprieve and not addressing their feelings publicly where others may provide support. They can use gifts, praise, and favors to manipulate or guilt-trip victims and gain more control over the relationship dynamic. Gifts can also be very public to further reduce the victim’s credibility or perception of abuse. They often come across as charming. A subtype is the victim or martyr type. This type seeks pity and attention from anyone nearby. They can be very manipulative as well and can use their self proclaimed victimization to receive attention, gifts, money, support, control, and power. If you voice your frustration or place boundaries with the martyr type, they’ll likely become mad at you for being upset with them, causing as much discomfort as possible until you find yourself wanting to apologize to them. They may even drag out your apology then until they feel you’ve fully earned their forgiveness. Narcissists can also act shocked by your frustration or claim to be clueless to the behaviors you state they engage in. They will deny them, redirect the conversation to something they accuse you of, or become overly emotional (mad, sad, victimized, etc.) to make you uncomfortable continuing the conversation.

The final type is the most aggressive type of narcissism, the Malignant Type. They are often considered incapable of true empathy or compassion towards others, but they may often feign it. Socially they can be referred to as sociopaths or psychopaths, although it isn’t an official diagnosis. They are very controlling of others and often seek to isolate them from any support systems, including family, finances, friends, and even their own children. They rarely feel guilt or remorse for their actions. Remorse, if expressed, is often only when they’re being held accountable for their actions. They may enjoy hurting others physically, sexually, and/or emotionally. They can behave overtly or covertly. A subtype is the Vindictive type, who can build real or imaginary grievances and competitions with others. They can play victim, gossip, antagonize, attempt to cause someone to lose their job, marriage, or relationships with others (including their own children in the case of spouses) through lies, manipulations, threats, and staging or planting evidence of wrong-doing. If you believe you may be in contact with a malignant or vindictive narcissist- make sure you and if you have children that your children are safe- seek emergency services when you feel threatened. If you don’t feel threatened, then plan to save all forms of contact such as emails, texts, etc. to prove any harassment or potential harm/sabotage.

It is believed that over 75% of narcissists are male. The causes of NPD are not explicitly known, but they are believed to be a combination of biology/neurodevelopment as well as environment (modeling/childhood experiences). Narcissism is often a coping mechanism built out of feelings of shame. This response can be built from inconsistent and negligent care as a child, physical/emotional/sexual abuse, anxious smothering from a parent that led to an inability to care for one’s own needs, rigid or unrealistic expectations placed on a child, constant criticism or judgement that a child learned to project onto others, and narcissistic parents that oscillated between praising and minimizing a child throughout their youth. While all of these are experiences believed to impact the development of pathological narcissism, these situations do not mean that someone will develop NPD, as many will not. One overall belief is that individuals with NPD lack a stable sense of themselves or consistent self-esteem and they can seek it through status, control, and/or praise. They can have very unrealistic expectations of others and they do not hold themselves to the same standards that they hold others to. They will often project their feelings, misbehaviors, or insecurities onto others. While they are not considered to be smarter than others, they are willing to cross clear boundaries that others may not in order to succeed and will often feel justified in their actions. Their words and actions are often not aligned.

The narcissist will put their needs before yours, despite what they may tell you in the moment. That’s why it’s important to know your rights and set boundaries. Narcissists can seek out individuals with weak boundaries and low self esteem, so your first step in protecting yourself from one is to learn more about your rights as an individual and in that situation. You can talk to HR, a lawyer, a therapist, a doctor, trusted friends and family, etc. Then think about boundaries that you can set. I have more information on boundary setting in one of my previous blogs and pinterest boards as well.

It is often thought that the narcissist’s main fears are exposure, rejection, humiliation, and/or loss of control. They will then engage in behaviors that reduce exposure or acknowledgement of those fears. That also means that they will rarely take responsibility or genuinely apologize. They may give a blanket apology or victimized apology, “whatever I may have done to deserve your anger” or “I’m sorry you…”. They will rarely show gratitude or recognition unless it serves them to do so (i.e. praising their “golden child”) and they will rarely forgive without it being held over someone as a manipulation or a deflection from their own actions. A narcissistic parent may often have their children compete (blatantly or psychologically) against each other, which I will discuss further in part 2 in my next blog about narcissists in the family unit.

An individual’s awareness of the forms of manipulation that a narcissist may use can help them build their confidence in addressing it and setting those boundaries. Lets continue to look at the different types of manipulation that can be used, not only with a narcissist but in many toxic relationships. The first is the term gaslighting, which is a commonly used phrase to describe someone’s intent to make another individual question their own sanity, memory, or perception of reality. When it is paired with public displays that are grossly different from your private experiences with the narcissist, it can further impact the feeling that you need validation of your own memories and unfortunately you may be met with well intended friends or family that are confused or disbelieving of the events you describe. Chronic gaslighting or abuse from a narcissist can also cause you to internally downplay the severity of your experiences, so in that case when you share your experiences with family or friends they may be horrified at what you endured while you laugh it off or feel like it wasn’t a big deal because it had become so normalized for you.

Another form of manipulation may be the constant need for you to earn the narcissist’s respect or attention. It will often be a constant battle of just falling short of winning it. We can meet the goals set before us by the narcissist but still be demeaned at the end of our accomplishment or have it barely acknowledged. It can seem to become a constant cycle of dependency of your self view or self worth on holding the attention of the narcissist. In the beginning of a relationship a narcissist can tend to go all in, love bombing a partner with grand gestures or building up a colleague by “taking them under their wing”. As time continues, a victim of a narcissist may continually be trying to get back to that initial stage. In the example below, at times the “love bombing” can also be staged towards others in the victim’s immediate circle and not the actual victim, in an attempt to make the victim watch the narcissist’s affection towards someone else and crave also earning it again.

Narcissists seek to isolate and control others. This includes controlling someone’s words, thoughts, sense of free will, self-esteem, and sense of safety. They traumatize their victims.

Anyone can fall victim to a narcissist because most people don’t think the same way a narcissist does, so you don’t realize what is occurring initially. Narcissists are often calculating or overwhelming, pushing against boundaries set to a level that most won’t see coming unless they are already familiar with narcissists. Those most likely to find themselves in these types of relationships for a longer period of time, though, are likely to already have their own experiences with trauma or narcissists in their lives (a parent, friend, former partner) or they fall into the people-pleasing and rescuing personalities- very empathetic individuals with difficulty setting boundaries. If you feel you may fall into any of these categories and have a possible narcissist in your life, seek support and help because you may be more tolerant of the behavior for much longer than others would be. The impact of that can be significant. Children of a narcissistic parent can have a multitude of life-long symptoms and impacts to their health, which I’ll discuss further in Part 2. Living with or having consistent contact with a narcissist can be traumatizing and it can increase anxiety, depression, PTSD, sleep disturbances, eating disorders, digestive disorders, mood disturbances, fertility, cognitive functioning, physical health, and more. Educate yourself about boundary setting (which may include severing most or all communication with a narcissist when able) and seek professional help as needed.

Part 2- Family Narcissists