The Secret Life of Living With a Narcissist Part 3-Co-Parenting And Divorce
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Despite their constant threats of a divorce, a narcissist is not likely to seek one out unless they already have a more beneficial or codependent relationship in the works. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. The threat of a divorce is to keep their partner in line, manipulated, and controlled. The action of a divorce threatens their control of their finances, children, and the perception of themselves they’ve portrayed to others. Plus, it would cause them to have to start their cycle of control over with someone else. So usually, when it comes to a divorce, it’s seen by the narcissist as an ultimate act of defiance. So what may be a means of seeking peace and happiness by their partner, a divorce to a narcissist is often a competition to be won. They often drag it out, over-personalize it, and defy the process in any way they can- even to their own financial deficit. They will not put the emotional needs of their children before their need for revenge or pity. The process of divorcing a narcissist is generally considered by professionals in the field to be a tough one, but the short and long term benefits to reclaiming your own life, and that of your children’s, may vastly outweigh the difficulty of it.
If you have read the prior two blogs, you now know about some of the short and long-term mental, emotional, and physical impacts that can come with living with a narcissist. You have also read about the different tactics within the home or relationship that may already be occurring that have led a spouse to consider a divorce. These forms of manipulation do not suddenly cease one day. Waiting until your children are grown to divorce can mean a longer exposure to emotional and mental abuse for your children as well as you. You must be able to enforce healthy boundaries against a narcissist and educate yourself about their tactics. Just be prepared that the narcissist may never be willing to acknowledge or change those negative impacts they have on others. At some point you may have to stop trying to get them to accept what they are doing to you and instead get yourself to accept that they aren’t the key to making it end anymore- you are. What are you willing to accept for yourself and your children, and why?
Narcissism specialists recommend these forms of communication with a narcissist. First, focus on your own body responses and body language. Practicing strategies like deep breathing and grounding to calm your own stress response in the moment can allow you to be more mindful of your posture and tone so you are able to assert more confidence in the boundaries you are vocalizing. You want to prepare yourself for when the narcissist is going to try to put you into fight-or-flight mode, so you don’t fall into their manipulations. Change your anger thoughts from “I’ll show you” instead into building a true awareness of your rights and your abilities, so it stops being an act of defiance but instead becomes actions to find stabilization, knowledge, independence, and support. Change your submissive or fleeing thoughts to finding out how you can reduce contact with the narcissist (going to work, school, time with family or friends) so you aren’t as easily accessible for manipulation and you can build a network of emotional, social, financial, and physical support outside of the relationship. Remember, you don’t have to seek validation of your feelings or experiences from the narcissist, they likely will not give it to you. Work on breaking free from your old, built-in responses to the narcissist so you can establish and then reinforce your boundaries. That means being able to voice and enforce your boundaries without catering to the narcissist’s reactions to them (because they will have negative reactions to them). Meeting with a therapist on your own can help you work through this process. A narcissist typically does not engage in marital counseling. They may only agree as a last resort after a partner has began discussing a divorce or separation and even then they are often resistant to the process, changing their behaviors only for the short term, if at all. Be aware of backsliding- when a toxic partner convinces you to stay again through manipulation, guilt-trips, threats of harm, and false promises. Remember the difference between words and actions. A partner can continue to work on themselves and change negative or harmful behaviors at a distance from you. If they have a true desire to change, it will not only be for your immediate benefit, but instead to they will want to change those harmful behaviors for good, whether you are still in a relationship with them or not.
If they are unwilling to change their harmful behaviors, then divorce is often the only option left for their spouses. Before vocalizing a desire for a divorce, lawyers often recommend partners follow these steps first:
Working with a lawyer that is already familiar with narcissists and their behaviors could help you avoid months of delay and overspending. Also, make sure your lawyer doesn’t have narcissistic traits of their own during your consultation process. Seek support for yourself and your children through genuinely supportive friends, family, or therapists. Have a safe place to go to limit their access to you and document harmful behaviors. Also, try to minimize conflict by short and to the point communication as needed. This does not mean giving up things that will be important or necessary to you after a divorce just to speed up the process because there is no guarantee that a narcissist will actually be satisfied and you may find yourself struggling after the divorce because of their manipulations during it. Consulting with a lawyer that is already aware of these ‘games’ can help you see through them.
If You Are Divorcing And Have Children Together
Make sure during the process that your children have their own outlets and supports, such as a children’s therapist to help them process their feelings and manage any intensified manipulations. Be very careful not to bad-mouth your spouse during this time, but be aware they may not be making the same attempts. It is important to vocalize to your children that it is safe for them to ask you questions if they have heard something from your spouse that upsets or confuses them, but that there will be limits to what information you share with them. Adult information and grievances should not be shared with your children, but you should be available to hear theirs. If it feels like they are picking a side it may be because of manipulation tactics the narcissist is engaging in. Be their emotional and mental safe-haven. They may not be able to appreciate it in the moment, but they will benefit from it. If emotionally you feel too overwhelmed to be that form of support for them, then provide them with a professional who can help them while you also seek someone to help you with your needs. It is normal for trauma responses to increase when we are in a period of safety. It is because our brain is finally going from a survival mode to a processing mode. Seeking services for yourself or your children is not a weakness, but a strength as a caregiver. Know your rights and don’t be manipulated by the narcissist into thinking that it is a weakness or a sign you’re unfit as a parent.
Strategies For Navigating the Early Stages of Co-Parenting With Your Children
First, prepare yourself for the balancing act of not talking poorly of your ex while also not excusing their behaviors. This means when your child comes to you after a conflict with their narcissistic parent. Let’s say their narcissistic parent told them they were embarrassing them during a sports performance. Do not begin to bad mouth the other parent but also don’t tell them something like “they didn’t mean that, they love you so much” because it can be very confusing to equate emotionally harmful behavior with love. Don’t try to fix the situation, instead you can validate their feelings and respond in general terms or parts terms. General terms would look like, “Sometimes adults can say hurtful things out of anger too and I’m sorry that happened to you, it’s not okay when that happens”. Parts terms is talking about how people have different parts in them- parts that can be loving and helpful and parts that can be unhelpful or maybe hurtful at times. It is a way of differentiating an action from the person as a whole. Here’s an example of using this technique with a child when they are angry and they hit someone- you can talk about how their anger is validated, “It’s okay to be angry, but that angry part that wanted to hit your sibling, that part was not helpful and it hurt your brother. If you are feeling angry, what is a helpful way for you to express it?” This concept of ‘helpful’ then means helpful to the upset child to regulate their emotions, it doesn’t mean what is the most helpful to the adults or their siblings. Then when you use this concept with a narcissistic parent you are able to discuss how some of the parts of their anger or behaviors are not helpful or can be harmful. You are not excusing the behavior of the narcissist, you are helping your child discern their behaviors for themselves so they don’t begin to also model them or take them as normal responses in future relationships of theirs. They can begin to see how those types of “parts” in others are also harmful to them. People are not a “whole” that we have to take or leave. We can care about someone and set boundaries with them for the “parts” that hurt us in some way. If they are unwilling to work on those parts that they are aware hurt us, then we can decide if we want to take or leave the “whole”.
In these situations you are also letting the child express how the narcissistic parent makes them feel. You can try to help them problem-solve ways to handle or manage their reactions to the situations, but you must validate how hard that it is for them. They are likely not dealing with a typically frustrated parent. Narcissists’ anger can be extreme. Dismissing it so that it isn’t a big deal can just leave a child feeling more alone. It will be a hard line of teaching your child (as age appropriate) how to set their own boundaries themselves with the narcissist and when you have to step in and reinforce natural boundaries for your child with the narcissist. Help your child resist blaming themselves and help them build resiliency. This can be done through counter-acting the typical manipulations that child has experienced already, such as being a scapegoat or not having been given credit fully for their accomplishments. Let them be the person they want to be in your home, and not who the narcissist had shaped them to be.
One very important aspect though is that you still need to hold structure and balance in your household. This means that you still need your own rules and boundaries with your children. This can be exploited by your ex though. Becoming the “un-fun” parent may seem like it backfires at first but you are doing so much for your children’s emotional growth by maintaining that structure, expectation, and natural reward/consequences because you are able to do it in a healthy manner for once for them. You may be faced with an angry child, especially if that anger is stoked by the narcissist, but that does not mean it will stay that way. Children may often choose the path of least resistance, especially if a traumatic household had taught them to do that previously. That means that giving into the demands of the narcissistic parent is often easier for them than standing up for their own needs or wants. It can also be emotionally scary for your child to finally have a parent that means what they say and apologizes for their mistakes. Read that again, it sounds crazy, but it’s true. It can take awhile for them to trust that calmer household even though they need it so much. Remember, there are reasons why you weren’t able to provide them that environment, or that response, in the household you shared with your narcissistic ex. Stop blaming yourself so you can help them now, just be prepared that it may not be a smooth transition.
It is not your role to make up for the behaviors of your ex towards your children. You may need to accept that they may never love their children how you love your children. It is your role to provide emotional safety and support to them instead. You are enough love. You are enough. You can help them rebuild their confidence to seek out more forms of healthy support, like you, through friendships, coaches, extended family.
Strategies for Navigating Co-Parenting With Your Ex
1.)When co-parenting with a narcissistic ex, first be aware of your rights. Ask your lawyer questions about enforcement of the visitation schedule and handling violations or failure to pay their legal share
2) Maintain clear boundaries and limit contact unless necessary and use recorded formats when able
3) Ignore their attempts to manipulate you or instigate conflict- again keep communication clear and brief
4) Don’t save them from natural consequences- i.e. intentionally waiting until the last minute to request changes does not mean you need to frantically accommodate. You can deny their requests and lay out the boundary of time, including what you already know about your rights to enforce it. Find alternative sources of support for last minute changes of your own so that it can’t be a tool for your ex to use unreasonably against you in the future. Be aware when these situations are meant to make you the ‘bad guy’ to your kids if you don’t quickly accommodate. Don’t keep falling into those traps and you can still discuss those situations with your children without bad-mouthing the other parent.
5)Do not get pulled into a parenting competition- they will always find a way for you to “lose”. Instead build your confidence in your parenting choices and work to accept that you will not have input in their own styles, unless it is legally harmful, of course.
6) Co-parenting works best when both households can work together to maintain structure, communication, and boundaries. Be aware this may not be realistic with a narcissistic ex, or it may go through periods where it works and where it doesn’t, perhaps based on who they are dating. Be careful not to fall into manipulation tactics for you to continue a punishment or restriction based on control within the narcissist’s household. You may have to build your own responses that go against traditional strategies for co-parenting because of the nature of narcissistic manipulation. Instead, you may need to focus on building that structure and communication for your children in your relationship with them and their relationships with other healthy adults- extended family, mentors, your friends, their friend’s parent’s, etc.
7) Document harmful communication between your ex with you and with your children. This can include trying to dominate your child’s time with you by constantly calling or texting them. You can set reasonable boundaries for that. Simply leaving it up to your child can place your child into a triangulation manipulation where they feel compelled to comply with their narcissistic parent to avoid conflict. If it is your household boundary then the pressure is off of your child, but expect the same rule to be place at the narcissist’s household, perhaps in a more extreme manner. This may be a guideline to set during the divorce process to avoid trying to navigate alone later on.
8) When communicating with a narcissist, use “we” phrases, such as “We shouldn’t argue in front of the kids” even if you are not also engaging in these actions. They are likely to respond better if you include yourself. It can also be good to acknowledge the narcissist’s ego by emphasizing the importance of their role in their children’s lives. Statements like “I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, but we….” can promote better listening on their end. Also empathize with their struggle from their unique viewpoint. You may be focused (rightfully so) on how this process is impacting your children while they are more focused on how it is impacting their image. You can empathize with that part mindfully, even if you don’t agree with it, when trying to reach an understanding or compromise. Resist the urge to defend yourself or validate your feelings if you don’t think it will be heard. It does not mean that you should give in or down play the impact they have on you, but that they will not be the ones to help you mend that impact. Stick to clear and concise communication instead through a text message or pre-recorded message. Avoid in-person or phone conversations if they are becoming manipulative.
9) Take care of yourself. In a healthy household it can feel overwhelming to balance family, career, and relationships with your mental, emotional, and physical health. In an unhealthy household focusing on those important needs could have felt selfish or impossible, so it can take time to unlearn that type of manipulation for you and for your children. Give yourself time and care during this process. Learn about the cognitive distortions you may have adapted and work to undo them. For example, feeling like asking for help was a weakness or sign of entitlement, laziness, or failure. That could have been taught to keep you from having external support systems and to isolate and overwhelm you with responsibilities. So during this time allow yourself to look to loved ones and reunite with loved ones if you found yourself estranged during your relationship with your narcissist. I emphasized loved ones because you also want to be cautious to not simply return to old unhealthy relationships either. So make sure you are working to maintain healthy boundaries in all relationships, they can just look different for each person.
Content Note: This information is not all encompassing nor is it legal or therapeutic advice for your situation. Talk to professionals in the field and get recommendations tailored to you and your needs. This post is merely an educational collection of some of the information already out there in the field. I am not in the legal field and this blog is not an alternative for working with your own therapist or specialist. For more resources and support, I’ve included some hotlines, free links, and affiliated links as well.
“Strong does not even come close to how I would describe a person who walks away from abuse and heals themselves”
You never have to heal alone though
