When Your Loved One Has ADHD- a look at the impact of ADHD on adult relationships
An understanding of the psychological and biological aspects of ADHD can be critical for BOTH partners for the health of their relationship, not just the partner with ADHD. We’ll look at some of the ways ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can impact the dynamics of a relationship and how it can leave both partners feeling. I’ll discuss strategies to build healthier communication, empathy, and connections with your partner.
ADHD is a chronic neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect attention, awareness of time, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and executive functioning. ADHD has a hyperactive, inattentive, and combination subtype. It can also present differently in men and women. You can find more information about ADHD in my blog here as well as these resources:
Ted Talks:
Recognizing ADHD in adults: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am-XbS0y0hE
The Trouble With Normal: My ADHD the Zebra- Emily Anhalt https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAeEQvj16XM&t=1s
This blog will focus more on the impacts of ADHD on relationships. Also note, there will be limitations to how much information can be included in one blog, so check back for more blogs and resources on ADHD, the teenage brain and its impacts on parent/child relationships (with an included focus on adolescent ADHD), and overall healthier communication strategies in adult relationships.
When ADHD has gone untreated or undiagnosed in adults, it may look like a lack of caring about details, responsibilities, or a state of constant avoidance. It can also lead to an increase in clinical Anxiety or Depression as ADHD individuals struggle with constant criticism (both internally and externally) or unrealistic expectations. They can feel like they are trying to function in a world that does not function well for them. They may feel like they are never understood and struggle to fit in with the expectations of those around them. Diagnosis and treatment can be very important to helping alleviate the symptoms of ADHD, as well as an increased awareness of their struggles by those in their support systems.
ADHD impacts some of the executive functioning skills of an individual and it can lead to behaviors that others may falsely personalize. Which executive functioning skills are impacted and the degree to which they are impacted will vary, but the following chart can show some of the possible impacts of ADHD on the balance and expectations in a relationship, especially when partners live together and share day to day responsibilities and interactions.
Nonmedicated treatment for ADHD involves building an awareness of ADHD’s impacts on one’s thoughts and behaviors and developing strategies and habits to plan for those impacts as well as addressing them in the moment, as able. In a relationship there needs to be accountability on the part of the individual with ADHD as well as empathy and readjusted expectations on the part of the individual without ADHD. The relationship should not feel one-sided or judgmental.
Relationship Pitfalls
Sudden changes in moods and motivation, a lack of follow-through, unbalanced mental loads, and a partner’s lack of focus or reliability can often become personalized by the partners of individuals with ADHD. It’s important for partners to understand that these symptoms are often not personal. That does not mean, though, that they shouldn’t be addressed when they’re repeated or problematic. Setting boundaries can be critical to creating balance and trust in the relationship. I’ll discuss specific strategies for this in a moment.
Communication vs Expectations
If your partner has difficulty with preparation or with procrastination it can build frustration or resentment and even put important tasks/events at risk. It is important to have an open discussion and assist your partners in areas that they may struggle with on their own, such as problem-solving or identifying steps to reach your shared goals. This may mean that they set earlier deadlines than waiting until the point of conflict. You can help them identify visual or auditory cues in their environment to set, like alarms, notifications, or placing visual cues where they may be triggered to engage in a habit (sticky note on steering wheel or bathroom mirror). It is important that you both communicate your needs and desired outcomes or timelines realistically. The key here is balance, so you don’t feel as if you are taking on the task yourself for your partner. If you end up taking over the task because it “feels easier to do it yourself” then you’re going to build resentment towards your partner and they won’t build the skills to plan and follow-through with it themselves.
So this is where we discuss realistic boundary setting. Remember, boundaries are not what you expect another person to do or not do. Boundaries are what you are communicating that you will or will not do in response to certain behaviors. For example, some healthy boundaries in this scenario would be communicating that
“I’ll try to remind you as it gets closer, but I won’t do it for you- you need to set your own reminders too”
“I’ll be able to help until ___, but after that I’ll be focusing on my own tasks”
“I’m glad you’re motivated now, but I’m not able to drop what I’m doing at the moment, you’ll have to start without me”
If positive and proactive communication still leads to a lack of follow-through at times, it is okay to be frustrated with that. You need to enforce your boundaries that you already communicated and let natural consequences occur. That does not mean punishing your partner. Natural consequences are simply consequences that happen naturally. It is not verbally or publicly demoralizing someone. Enforcing boundaries are not punishments, either, they are actions that you have already communicated that you will or will not do, for example, stating that you will not complete the task or errand for them.
Remember when I said that a key component to ADHD strategy building is ‘addressing’ a missed function at the moment it was missed, or in other words catching a mistake as soon as you make it? Of course, that can be very difficult to do. We often rely on programming for that level of assistance, for example, when your computer immediately highlights a misspelled word or asks you to confirm a deletion or a purchase. This is built-in assistance. We can plan assistance by setting up reminder alarms, notifications, visual cues, environmental cues, and more. There is also a necessary level of reliance on the people in our environment to notice if we’re making a mistake and notify us.
This is why it is so important that you don’t test your partner. I want to be clear how unfair, and even cruel it can be to try and test a partner, especially with ADHD. What I mean by “test” is intentionally choosing not to bring something to their attention that you anticipate or observe them forgetting. When you do that you are assuming that their ADHD symptoms are a choice as opposed to a daily source of struggle for them. Imagine if you were about to walk out of the house without your phone or wallet and someone that cares for you knowingly watches you do that and purposely doesn’t tell you to teach you a lesson. You would likely feel hurt and uncared for. Testing is an unhealthy trait in a relationship, but boundary setting is not.
Relationship Pitfalls
When we don’t establish boundaries and share the mental workload in a relationship, we can begin to feel unappreciated, unimportant, lonely, and villainized, whether we’re the individual with ADHD or without. Both partners must have the ability to empathize with their partner and accept responsibility for their actions. One person can not feel solely responsible for the success of their relationship, marriage, family, partner’s mental health, or financial stability.
Reimagine Your Communication Styles
It can be important to redefine how you and your partner communicate important information. Individuals with ADHD can find their focus drifting mid conversation with others and it is not because they don’t respect the other person or the topic being discussed. While it can be frustrating to be on the receiving end of this interaction, you are more likely to be heard by addressing it in the moment- “I feel like I’m losing you here”- and allowing your ADHD partner to pull back their focus without judgement. You may then want to be very clear and concise in any information you need them to retain in that moment. If they are losing focus it is not a simple on and off switch. They may need stimulation, movement, food, hydration, etc., to fully regroup. It’s okay to pause and come back to the conversation.
Your ADHD partner may even discuss with you how interruptions when they are focused on a task can really impact their ability to finish. Perhaps, though, that you have difficulty waiting to mention or ask something because you’re afraid you’ll forget it. Discussing these conflicting needs can help you both build a compromise. If you see your ADHD partner focused on a task, you can write down your information on a sticky note or in an unsent text to yourself so you don’t forget. If you interrupt them with it there is a strong chance they may forget what you are telling them or what step they were on in their own task. If you do need to interrupt them, though, make sure your information is clear and concise or written down to reduce the chances they will forget.
During an argument, it may be more common for ADHD partners to make unnecessary or hurtful comments before they have thought them through. That does not make it acceptable, but it is important for you to both know this risk and plan for it. Build habits to give each other space to calm down before you continue discussing disagreements. It can be really helpful to write down what you want the other person to know instead of discussing it in the moment. It gives you a chance to calm down as you write and possibly edit what you want to say. Then when they read your letter, they have the chance to hear your full side before they write their own response. This strategy can also help to reduce someone’s habit to push others away verbally when they’re upset. Both of you have time to process and both of you have to read the other’s person’s perspectives before responding.
Finally, make sure that both partners work at expressing gratitude and love for the role the other person plays. It may be easier to acknowledge their strengths and contributions when you’ve readdressed those main concepts mentioned earlier:
educate yourself on ADHD and adjust your expectations of yourself or partner, while also acknowledging and leaning into your strengths and their strengths
rework how you communicate and how you listen
take the time to talk an argument through with yourself calmly before addressing it immediately with your partner- you can use the letter method as well
seek help when you need it and use the tools available to you- don’t assume something like marriage counseling or individual counseling are the last steps to salvage a marriage- they can be wonderful tools to address the changes or shifts that occur in a relationship over time. Learning to build better communication and regulation skills with your partner earlier on can help you healthily address your relationships needs in the future
Find more information and resources on mental health and relationships here:
