Why Setting Boundaries Can Be So Hard
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Boundaries are an imaginary line that we set for ourselves and others that should not be crossed. They identify what are permissible ways for others to treat us and how we will respond when someone steps outside those limits. We have to communicate and enforce that line for it to remain established. Boundaries can be incredibly important to our mental health and overall happiness, but enforcing them is not always an easy or welcoming practice. Unhealthy boundaries can lead to dependency, anxiety, depression, and even stress-related physical ailments. To feel confident in maintaining your boundaries, lets first discuss what healthy boundaries may look like and what they can do for you.
Boundaries have been a buzz word as of late, but lets get a better understanding of what they actually look like and the wall you may come up against enforcing them. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, sexual, materialistic (financial), time, intellectual, and more. You will have different boundaries with different people- of course some of your rules may be consistent with everyone. Boundaries can be set with spouses, children, family, in-laws, friends, coworkers, employers, and strangers. They are often described in some variation of - strong, rigid, and weak. A healthy boundary is a strong boundary- where we are able to set, communicate, and enforce our needs or rules specific to the relationship in question. It can look like being able to say “No” without guilt. A rigid boundary is unrealistically strong and unadaptable to our different relationships like parents, significant others, friends, coworkers, or our boss. An example of a rigid boundary could stem from a fear of trusting others, so all our interactions come with internal rules we’ve set to protect ourselves that aren’t helpful to our ability to positively connect with others in the future. A weak boundary is one where we don’t react to our needs and emotions being hurt or dismissed by others. With a weak set of boundaries we may become accepting of abuses of our time, body, finances, or emotions.
When we set a boundary it is often because there is already a need for it. There is someone or a group of people already treating us in ways we don’t feel we deserve and no longer wish to accept. That means that others already find their actions acceptable, so the act of informing them that it is not acceptable will likely not be a simple transition, especially if that behavior has been occurring for a long time (with or without your involvement) or if others are unaware/unaffected by it.
When we look at situations like childhood trauma, emotional abuse, toxic relationships, narcissism, we are often looking at unacceptable treatment that has been normalized, minimalized, rationalized, or hidden from a victim’s support systems. That can leave the person trying to enforce a boundary feeling misunderstood, isolated, guilty, or unsure of their perception of events. It is also common for those that are aware of a toxic person’s behavior, but not directly impacted by it, to put the pressure on you to change or be more accepting instead of the toxic individual because it is a smoother process for that person. This does not diminish your need to set and enforce a boundary for yourself just because it is inconvenient to others.
Issues like gaslighting and manipulation may already be occurring. Trauma responses like people-pleasing and numbness can cause us to want to retract our boundaries quickly, making it feel even more difficult to re-establish them, BUT YOU CAN. We can try as many times as needed to assert our right to be treated correctly.
Gaslighting, manipulation, guilt, depression, and anxiety make us doubt our account of things. Having someone outside of your relationship that is a healthy person for you to talk to can be essential in regaining a clear picture of a situation or self awareness of your needs. So communicating with a family member, friend, therapist, or psychiatrist you trust can be an important factor. Be aware, if that individual you reach out to is not someone who is consistently healthy for you, don’t stop looking for someone who is more objective to help you sort your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. In the meantime, write them down-journal- have an account of your experiences to go back to when self doubt creeps in.
When you realize that you need to set a boundary with someone, you can follow these steps. First, you’ll need to identify for yourself what isn’t working or what is hurting you. Then you’ll need to start saying no or clearly voicing your needs to that individual. Have a plan for how you want to react if that boundary is crossed- but it has to be something that you are willing to follow through with- so you may want to plan to react in stages as they work to readjust to your boundary- but you don’t have to. That individual is responsible for their reactions to your requests. Be aware that you will also need to let go of your guilt. It may be one of the reasons you have been in this dynamic for so long. To be able to maintain this boundary, you have to be prepared that the other individual may not like it and that you are both going to have an array of feelings from that experience, but in the end it can make you stronger and more confident in future boundaries or events where you stand up for your needs. It can be normal to initially feel selfish or guilt for enforcing a boundary, but remember, just because we feel something doesn’t mean it is true. You are not selfish for standing up for yourself. If that relationship can adapt to your boundaries and needs respectfully, it can also strengthen that relationship. But in the case that it does not, you always need to have a Plan B. For example, if you’ve set a boundary about topics that you are uncomfortable discussing with an individual and even after a reminder they continue to knowingly cross that line and make you feel uncomfortable- you need plans in place to enforce your boundary and remove yourself from that situation. So if you were meeting them for lunch, that can look like choosing to drive separately, having cash to pay for a meal if you have to leave a restaurant early, or having another place to go without them.
Finally, I’d also add to make sure you look at the types of relationships you continue to seek out. When we’ve experienced chronic stress within past relationships, it is not uncommon for individuals to continue to find themselves in similar future relationships- whether it is romantically or with friendships. There is a sense of familiarity to those unhealthy relationships that falsely convinces us that they’re emotionally safer than a healthier one because we are unsure of what to expect in a healthy relationship- how to navigate them or deal with the potential loss of them. What if we will become the unhealthy one in a relationship? Anxiety can lead us to fear the unknown, and that can include a stable relationship for many people. It is critical that you face that fear and embrace the discomfort that can come with stability when you’ve had a lifetime of trauma or uncertainty. Setting reasonable and healthy boundaries can be your first step in identifying what relationships truly are healthy for you by seeing who respects your needs and feelings after a needed boundary is set.
If you find that you continue to struggle with prioritizing your physical, mental, or emotional needs then seeking out the help of a professional may be beneficial to you.
