Let’s Talk About Shame- Yes, You Really Should!
“The paradox of shame is that there is shame about shame”
Shame is something that can be deeply woven into our everyday interactions, thoughts, and feelings yet it is rarely a topic among friends, family, or loved ones. We often struggle in shame alone- believing these negative constructs that we don’t allow anyone else to shatter for us. So lets talk about it- how does shame build, how does it latch on, and how can it finally be unwritten.
First lets talk about the basics. Shame is as much a feeling as it is a physical reaction. We feel shame in our hearts, mind, and body. Shame is often paired with feelings of guilt, but they are a little different. Guilt is the idea that we’ve done something bad, whereas shame is the idea that we ourselves are bad. That we’re somehow broken or flawed, failing or unworthy. The intensity and power of our shame grows when we hold those feelings in. Shame can feel temporary like moments of imposter syndrome, identity crisis, or uncertainty about our parenting. Shame can be chronic and woven into our self-identity from unhealthy interactions in our youth or relationships.
“Shame grows in secrecy, silence, and judgment. Shame can’t survive being spoken.”
Shame can often stem from messages we receive that we’re not good enough or that we don’t matter. These message can come in the form of words, actions, or even lack of actions/care from those that shape our lives. Childhood traumas and emotional neglect have the ability to write the story that we tell ourselves about who we are and how we matter to others.
Shame In Our Brains
Our core sense of shame is stored in the right hemisphere of our brain. The right hemisphere is known for creativity, imagery, feelings, intuition, and more. This is the nonverbal part of our brain. It is why we have such a strong bodily reaction to feelings of shame. These core storylines of shame are stored in our implicit memory. They are often unconscious, sensory-based, emotional, automatic, and impacting our body. Our internal script of ourselves (how we view ourself, our role, our abilities is typically formed by age 7. It can of course be altered by life experiences, but we have a sense of self by an early age. Our childhood experiences play a critical role in the development of that sense of self, and of course, feelings of shame or inadequacy. With these early feelings of shame stored in our unconscious, nonverbal, and sensory-based parts of our brain, it is understandable why feelings of shame can be so intense or may not make logical sense to those around us.
Take the example of a child who was sexually abused by an adult. We understand that it is in no way the fault of that child for their abuse, but by the trauma of their assault and the emotional abuse and grooming from their abuser, that child likely has shame-scripts in their brain. Shame-scripts are forms of negative self-talk. And since these shame-scripts are stored in the nonverbal, bodily sensation portions of their brain, as that child grows they may be able to tell you that they know they are not responsible for their abuse, but their body can still react with feelings of guilt and shame at the mention of their abuse or abuse in general. This is because our body and our thoughts are not always on the same timeline.
You can learn more about what childhood traumas are and how they impact brain development here:
Repetitive negative childhood experiences build negative self-talk or shame-scripts, shaping how we picture ourselves and our worth. It can build messages about ourselves like “I’m responsible for fixing other’s emotions”, “I’m an inconvenience”, “My worth is making them look good”, “I’ll never really amount to anything”, “I am unlovable”, and more.
These types of comments become false messages that we continue to tell ourselves. They become lies about who we are, what we’re capable of, and how others must often feel around us. Feelings of shame and guilt can activate our Fight-or-Flight Response, leading to a desire to flee or avoid certain situations, to argue or fight during certain situations, or to freeze and people-please to maintain a sense of emotional safety in situations.
When we continue to hear these types of negative messages they can make us want to be quieter, more compliant, people-pleasing versions of ourselves in Freeze; or angry, irritable, and overreactive versions of ourselves in Fight; or afraid of building connections, quick to end relationships, and afraid to try new things in Flight. These messages and distorted views of ourselves can keep us from being our TRUE selves as we struggle to build defenses against our feelings of shame and guilt. These defense mechanisms can look like some of the behaviors below:
Finding Your True Self
Ask yourself:
-Are there judgments/lies you’ve been told repeatedly about yourself?
-When did you realize this was a lie?
-How has this lie impacted how you see yourself or interact with your life and others?
-How could life be different if you could be your true self?
Now think of how long you’ve heard these negative messages about yourself or your worth in some form or another throughout your life- this includes how long you’ve continued to tell yourself these messages. If it has been awhile, then you have to acknowledge for yourself that it will take you some time to rewrite the way you carry those false messages with you. You’ll have to rewrite years of unconscious thoughts about yourself, but you can. You need to allow yourself the time and compassion to do so. It takes daily self affirming your true self and connecting with your needs to rewrite your shame-scripts.
“Shame cannot survive in empathy and understanding”
If shame thrives in secrecy and silence, it cannot survive when we talk about it with those that are capable of showing us empathy and understanding. Sometimes we can be so certain of our shame that we choose those that hurt us or are capable of emotionally hurting us to open up to- it’s a form of self sabotaging. We need to surround ourselves with people that have the emotional maturity to empathize with us. This is not always an easy task, especially when we look at generational trauma within dysfunctional families. Also, we may have grown up with this shame-script and continually sought out friendships or relationships that kept us in that shame response of people-pleasing or avoiding our needs, so those closest to us may not be the healthiest ones to open up to.
This is where a mental health professional can be an essential step to healing and changing the way we see ourselves. But if you have supportive friends, loved ones, or family that you can open up to about your feelings of shame, receiving support and understanding from them can be very healing. Remember though, it can take continued effort of being open and affirming your true self to change the long-term bodily responses of shame.
Shame-Based Therapy
Working with core feelings of shame and guilt can be key components of therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma, schizophrenia, substance abuse, mood disorders, and more. Many therapists will incorporate shame-informed treatment without necessarily indentifying themselves as a shame-based therapist. In your search for shame-informed therapists, it may be easiest to look for trauma-informed therapists or informing your therapist that you want to actively address feelings of shame and guilt.
Some specific shame-based interventions can include both Top-Down and Bottom-Up approaches. Top-Down approaches look at our thoughts and self-reflections. It addresses our higher order thinking and problem-solving. Bottom-Up approaches look at our emotions and unconscious bodily reactions. It addresses our more automatic responses. Remember, shame is often stored in those unconscious bodily responses and implicit memories. Traditional therapies like CBT, DBT, and ACT address many Top-Down strategies (as well as some Bottom-Up). Movement Therapies, EMDR, Somatic Therapies, and Emotional Regulation Strategies can help address more Bottom-Up approaches.
The first step is always building awareness and understanding the impact that these thoughts and feelings may be having on you daily life. Below are some great reading resources if you would like to continue to learn more about shame and healing from it. *please note, these are amazon-affiliated links. You can also return to the blog page for free information about trauma, emotional regulation, and more mental health psychoeducation.
If you recall my previous blog about Emotional Regulation and the Upstairs/Downstairs brain approaches, this is akin to many Top-Down and Bottom-Up approaches.
You can read more about these approaches to emotional regulation and brain development here:
EMDR Blog:
Citations:
Ashley, P. (2020). Shame-informed therapy: Treatment strategies to overcome core shame and reconstruct the authentic self. Eau Claire, MI: PESI Publishing and Media.
Brown, B. (2010a) The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
DeYoung, P.A. (2015). Understanding and treating chronic shame: A relational/neurobiological approach. New York: Routledge.
Kaufman, G. (1992). Shame: the power of caring. (3rd ed.). Rochester, VT. Schenkman Books.
Porges, S.W. (2012). Polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self regulation. New York: W. W. Norton.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014) The Body Keeps the Score. New York: Penguin Books.
