Self Sabotage-Why We Do It & How To Stop
“Nothing will sabotage our happiness and success more thoroughly than the fear we are not enough”
There are so many reasons why someone may unknowingly sabotage their own happiness or success, and we all do it in some degree at some point, but when it becomes chronic it can signal greater concerns. This blog is about how to recognize and address self sabotaging behavior.
Self sabotaging behavior is when we make choices or engage in behaviors that prevent us from reaching our own goals or life satisfaction. Those goals can be professional, personal, physical, financial, emotional, etc. This can mean things that we do or don’t do that stands in our own way. Chronic self sabotaging behaviors can control your life and impact the quality of it. There can be many factors that influence why we engage in these types of behaviors but I’ll discuss some of the more common ones.
Anxiety
Anxiety, both clinical and situational, can influence our sense of safety and security. It can become unsettling to be in an area of the unknown. This unknown may mean a new relationship or even a calm point in a previously strained relationship, new career/education choices or responsibilities, newly found independence, or just new chapters in our lives. Anxiety often wants us to avoid the discomfort of these uncertainties, which may look like procrastinating and avoiding calls, deadlines, or even friends that may ask us about the areas we’re unsure of. We may even go the opposite direction and sabotage our needs in an attempt for control. If we feel unsettled waiting to see if something will work out or not, when we end its chances first by sabotaging it, there is a sense of control over our lives even as we choose that disappointment. Never minimize how intense and unfair anxiety can be. If you suffer from anxiety at a clinical level, seeking out a therapist or psychiatrist can help you regain real control back over your life instead of the false sense of control that self sabotaging briefly brings.
Negative Core Beliefs
Negative core beliefs or negative beliefs about ourselves, our self worth, and those around us can stem from issues like anxiety, depression, trauma, etc. or they can just come from feeling over-stressed, being in a negative environment, or being physically unwell, such as not eating or sleeping well or being ill. With negative core beliefs we can feel unworthy of success and happiness. Past traumas or current depressive episodes can lead us to feel unlovable or to carry unrealistic guilt and shame. Sometimes when we find ourselves safe and happy following a trauma, it can feel extremely unsettling and even emotionally unsafe, especially if we have grown up in a more tumultuous environment. Childhood trauma can change the development of our brain and it can cause our stress response to be falsely alerted even during periods of safety and calm because it has normalized stress and anxiety experiences. These false alerts can make the beginning of healthy relationships/life changes feel uncomfortable because we falsely feel in our bodies that something will go wrong, that we may somehow be punished for this happiness, or that we aren’t deserving of it. That can cause people to sabotage those positive opportunities.
ADHD
With ADHD, I first want to address that areas like poor time management, forgetfulness, procrastination, poor organization, etc., are often not a choice or laziness, but a true inability of the brain to maintain those areas without assistance. Everyone with ADHD has different degrees of impacts and areas of executive functioning that are better or worse than others. Self sabotaging comes into play when an individual is aware of their areas of struggle and chooses not to engage in strategies or assistance that will help them in reaching their goals. I say “their goals” because someone’s individual goals do not always have to align with the goals others set for them. Sometimes individuals with ADHD can engage in self sabotage impulsively and unconsciously out of boredom when their brains are seeking dopamine rushes. Stressing and having to fix or react to a problem can become stimulating, even unconsciously.
Making sudden and major life changes or starting new ventures at the expense of previously secure ones can feel right at the moment, but may cause damages to that stability you’ve worked to develop in your career, relationships, finances, etc. In the end, those changes may even be the right ones for you, but jumping into them without a plan or preparation can put them at risk.
How To Stop Self Sabotaging
1) The first step is always building an awareness of when you’re doing it. You have to be willing to acknowledge your unhealthy habits and behaviors if you want to be able to change them. Understanding where they came from and how they have helped you in the past may allow you to accept yourself more and give you the strength to acknowledge why that aren’t helping you in this current stage of life.
2) When you notice them, you need to name them. Call them out for what they are- anxiety, trauma responses, insecurities, fear, depression, etc. Naming them to yourself allows you to separate them from yourself and make decisions regarding them.
3) Challenge these habits by delaying impulses, reframing negative thoughts, and choosing to actively engage in different, healthier behaviors. This stage takes time and consistency. If you feel yourself struggling with it (or any of the previous two steps) seeking out a therapist can help.
Everyone deserves happiness and success (as you define it) in their lives. Don’t let the actions of others in your past stop you from accepting happiness in your future. Don’t let your own actions stop you from accepting happiness now. There is help out there if you choose to accept it.
