The Boundaries We Don’t Often Talk About- The One’s With Ourselves
We hear the phrase “boundaries” everywhere at times and there is ample access to great information out there on what boundaries are and how to help yourself set them, but one aspect that often gets passed over is the idea of setting boundaries with ourselves. It’s something we actually do constantly, but perhaps unconsciously. This blog is about the boundaries we may already be setting (or need to be setting) with ourselves.
One misconception about boundaries is that they are lines that we are drawing for other people to adhere to. In truth, a boundary should be an expectation or a limit on behavior you are setting and communicating with someone, but the key part to it is that you are stating what you will be changing in your actions or response if the other person’s behavior continues. The key point here is that we can not control other’s behaviors, we can only control our responses to those behaviors. So a common example of this can be the boundaries that laws set. For example, if someone chooses to steal- then the boundary set is that the establishment or person that was stolen from can choose to call the police and press charges. The boundary is what an establishment or individual states they will do if another person chooses a negative action like theft.
Now those boundaries are often easier because there are laws in place and the boundary is often well known and accepted by society. Personal boundaries can become much more difficult to enforce, as others may have differing opinions, reactions, or expectations that can influence someone’s enforcement of their stated boundaries. These perspectives can shift from households, relationships, work environments, etc. It can take a strong sense of oneself to stay consistent and comfortable maintaining the boundaries they set.
This blog below has more about boundary setting and why it can be so difficult.
One way to help you have a stronger sense of yourself is to look at the boundaries you may be unconsciously setting with yourself. This can mean the ways you talk to yourself and feel about your actions. Enforcing one’s boundaries can be hard when the person trying to enforce a boundary is also battling their own feelings of guilt, shame, pressure, trauma responses, or other cognitive distortions for wanting those boundaries in place. This is where we get to the boundaries that we set with ourselves. The boundaries we set with ourselves are about figuring out how we are going to respond when we keep engaging in unhealthy habits or responses.
For example, if we struggle with saying “No” to others, even when we are mentally exhausted, then we not only need to work on setting better boundaries with others so they stop leaning on us even when we’re overwhelmed, but we also have to set boundaries with ourselves to stop putting our own needs behind the wants of others.
So what does that look like?
Well first, you have to be aware that you need to set a better boundary with yourself and you have to accept the task of preparing it. That means that you need to plan ahead for the hurdles that normally stop you from reacting the way that you know would help you.
Identify those hurdles and why they may be there. Perhaps the anxiety that comes from saying “No” after a long history of being told or shown that “No” is not an acceptable response is preventing you from keeping that boundary with yourself. Or perhaps you see your value in how many things you can accomplish or do for others. Or perhaps you feel that saying “No” is selfish or means you aren’t capable enough. There can be a ton of reasons why saying “No” suddenly feels impossible in the moment you’re asked to add something onto your list. Exploring why and working on how that hurdle came to be is a necessary part of rewriting how your brain will respond to saying “No” in the future. You need to identify how you are talking to yourself in those moments so you can begin to talk to yourself differently in the future.
What if your big hurdle is that you don’t follow through with changes you want to set for yourself. First, you need to identify why you often don’t follow through. Do you forget? Then you can look towards external reminders like alarms, calendar notifications, enlisting a family member to help remind you. Set the reminder right now, while you’re still motivated. Or perhaps that is your common hurdle- keeping motivation. Can you put up visual motivators like a count down or can you enlist a friend or family member in the task with you to keep you accountable?
Hey Daniel, if John waits until the last minute again to change what he wants, don’t let me give in and run around trying to help him change everything. I have stop to stop fixing things for him.
Can you have a preplanned response for when you need to decline something? Or perhaps your hurdle is negative self talk or feelings of guilt/shame. Then your next step is identifying where those feelings are coming from and how you can help yourself address them compassionately. This may look like talking to those you can trust emotionally, learning more information about your mental health, or working with a therapist or mental health professional to process those negative thoughts and responses.
Finally, remember that your boundaries will be a little different with different people. That’s normal. They’ll also shift as relationships strengthen or weaken. The same is true about boundaries you set with yourself. It’s about meeting your needs where you are at this point in your life. It’s about realizing that your needs matter. Finally, it’s about choosing how to change your future responses if you’re not taking care of those needs.
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