Trauma Bonding- It Might Not Be What You Think It Is
Often in our current culture, trauma bonding is misrepresented as a shared experience between two individuals who both have histories of trauma and feel a sense of connection or understanding of each other from those experiences. Clinically, though, trauma bonding is quite the opposite of understanding or a mutual connection. This is why the misrepresentation is important to address.
Clinically, trauma bonding is abusive in nature. It is a term used to described the developed bond between an abuser and their abused. This bond can become emotional, psychological, and even physical in nature. It often develops over time as the level of mental abuse develops. When someone feels trauma bonded, that means that they sympathize with their abuser. Lets talk about how this can happen- it is much more common than you might think.
Trauma bonding can occur when the cycle of abuse is continually repeated. Often, the resolution stage becomes weaker, with less attempts by the abuser to appease their partner/child/etc and the calm phase can become more and more brief. As the abuse becomes more constant, the partner/child becomes more dependent on the abuser to fulfill any allowed needs. They may grow to look forward to the smallest bits of calm or affection and begin to blame themselves for any absences of it, as the abuser has taught them to do.
The abuse is continually activating the fight-or-flight response and eventually the abused person’s response becomes a form of feeling frozen and numb or anxious and desperate to end the conflict. The cortisol involved in the stress response begins to reverse its function in the brain. The abused brain begins to normalize the chemical response that occurs in the body during the abuse and through neuroplasticity, begins to rewire its response in anticipation of it. This is one reason why abused individuals can feel ‘addicted’ to trauma and chaos. When they are constantly in abusive environments (or recently out of them), their fight-or-flight response is activated (feels threatened) by the unknown calm of healthy environments and is soothed by chaotic or toxic ones.
The partner/child’s brains can begin to associate the abuse with love in what feels like an addiction to that person. This is an attempt to feel as if they have some form of control over the abuse, but they do not. The partner /child may feel or be stuck in that dynamic. They eventually begin to learn that no matter their behavior, the abuser will find or create imaginary faults. At this point, trauma responses and symptoms have likely developed and can maintain long-term if not addressed. Thankfully, though, with significant time outside of an abusive environment and ideally with therapy, their fight-or-flight response can rewire itself back to its normal functioning and trauma responses can be identified and addressed.
Breaking Trauma Bonds
Having distance from the abuser can be an essential part of breaking trauma bonds, but it is not always attainable at first. Individuals may feel trapped in a relationship financially, emotionally (the addictive state of trauma bonds), and for a variety of other reasons, like a fear of speaking out or inability to get help (children).
Try to find some form of distance like classes, work, volunteering, after school activities, or even just walks or time to yourself to work on the following steps. Begin communication with others that you trust to give you a different perspective than the abuser and validate the abuse you are experiencing. This can help you untangle from the manipulation and gaslighting .
Educate yourself on mental and psychological abuse. It can be even more damaging long-term than other forms of abuse and it impacts the intensity of your trauma bond. Learn more and educate yourself on your rights, what healthy relationships and communication should look like, and how to set and enforce those boundaries.
Learn about different strategies for addressing unhealthy relationships. For example, if your partner has narcissistic personality disorder, the approaches may be different.
Find support from others that understand these types of relationships. This can include a TRAUMA therapist or other professionals and support groups that acknowledge your rights and needs as a victim of psychological or emotional abuse as well as any physical or sexual forms of abuse. Breaking trauma bonds is not easy, but definitely possible. Have support systems you trust or seek out new ones if you feel isolated in your abuse.
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